Episode 18 – Over the Edge!

There are some stories that must not be told. Secret pacts are made in hushed voices as we swear never to let people know our stupidity. But horror fades with the years, and then it’s time to tell the story. We had a problem on our hands that ridiculously cold winter’s night. A big fat, smelly dead problem. At minus 30, the ground was impenetrable and the excavator immovable, its tracks frozen to the ground. With the internal heat of the dead ewe climbing and her bulging belly swelling up like a balloon ready to blow, we knew we had to act fast. We called a few knowledgeable associates. “Umm, what do you do at this time of year with a big dead thing, when you can’t dig a hole?” Everybody was in agreement, “Throw it in the woods, the critters will be glad of a winter feast!” So that night, we drove far, far away into the wilderness until Ernest found a deep crevasse surrounded by forest, obviously the only inhabitants being slavering coyotes. We pulled the corpse out onto the road. “Wait!” I yelled, “I need to remove the eartag!” Thinking like a criminal came easily. While I bent over the poor dead soul with my hunter’s knife in hand, unexpected lights of a car sliced into the darkness! Ernest took off back to the truck, leaving me standing over the body in stark knife wielding pose just as headlights caught me square on. I tried to look nonchalant. Yup, whoever was in that car figured out right away this was no time to stop and offer help….. Darkness descended again and Ernest reappeared, totally freaked out now. “Hurry up, we have to get this animal over the edge NOW!” I could see in a flash he was really worried about his reputation. “No, I haven’t managed to get the tag off yet. The ear is frozen!” I replied obstinately. “Forget that. Pick up the back legs and swing the sheep over the edge. Come on!!!” Well now, have you ever picked up a two hundred pound sheep and “swung” it around with a friend in the middle of the night? No, I didn’t think so. It’s impossible. We managed to roll the body five feet until it stuck in deep snow just off the road. “That’s it, I’m leaving!” Ernest yelled as he ran back to the truck. “What?” More headlights appeared, illuminating Ernest sitting calmly in the truck staring straight ahead. Now was not the time to surrender! I jumped into the snow beside the sheep, pushing it mightily with both feet towards the crevasse. With a horrifying whoosh, the body was suddenly sliding and in the next instant we tumbled together over the edge, plummeting into darkness. That smelly sheep and I hurtled downwards for 30 feet, locked in a terrifying embrace until we were stopped dead with me sprawled on top. A blessed tree had broken our plunge at the very lip of the crevasse! With single minded focus I applied one more big kick, dislodging the sheep which plunged into the black abyss. Mission accomplished, but how to get back up? “Help!” I croaked as I peered upwards. No brow wrinkled with concern looked down from on high, only silent stars bore witness to my plight. Seriously? No help was coming? It was a long, slow gasping crawl up the snowy vertical bank, ferociously grasping and holding onto trees, ever struggling upwards. “What took you so long?” Ernest inquired solicitously, when I eventually appeared perfectly disguised as the abominable snow-woman. I love farming in the Shuswap. Such a learning experience